How does one distinguish between a healthy, active toddler and a hyperactive toddler with ADHD?  Why does an adolescent who experiences academic success in elementary school suddenly flounder in middle school?  Why does a young person who behaves well in school become so oppositional at home?  Why does a child efficiently complete her homework one day and procrastinate on a similar assignment the next day?  In order to answer these questions, it is difficult yet critical for parents to develop a solid understanding of their children and how a specific learning difference impacts a child’s functioning in various settings.

Over the past 23 years as a clinical psychologist and special education teacher, I have had the opportunity to work closely with children and adolescents diagnosed with learning, attention and other related disorders.  Experience tells me that these young people are often intelligent, well intentioned and yet frequently misunderstood by important adults in their lives, due to inconsistencies in the academic performance, social interactions, and regulation of emotions and behavior.  Parents, teachers and coaches often misinterpret such inconsistencies, which only compounds the challenges these young people face.

Parents commonly report feelings of inadequacy, guilt and worry about their own perceived ineffectiveness in addressing the needs of their child.  They express feelings of shame when they attribute their child’s learning problems to their own poor parenting skills.  Other adults, who are quick to point out that a firmer hand would fix the child’s problems, often confirm this belief.  However, a significant body of research confirms that learning, attention and related disorders have biological underpinnings that contribute to inconsistent performance.  With this in mind, we have to consider how this biology interacts with home and school environments.

Adults frequently attach motives to inconsistent functioning that speak to the child’s character.  Lazy, manipulative, self-centered, oppositional and disrespectful are a few of the common labels used to interpret poor performance.  The problem with these labels is two-fold.  First, reducing academic, behavioral and/or social difficulties to character deficits is inaccurate.  Labels fail to explain the biological, environmental and relational issues that all interact dynamically.  Labels are also shaming, which impedes emotional growth and limits the child’s capacity to seek and accept support.  These labels also become internalized by the child and begin to shape his view of himself.

Certainly learning disorders complicate the relational dynamics between adults and children.  Both parent and child are vulnerable to misinterpreting one another’s intentions, leaving both parties feeling misunderstood and frustrated.  As human beings we are all vulnerable to assuming motives behind the behaviors of others.  Most of us can recall situations where acting on these assumptions led to difficult and unproductive interactions.  This is a common experience for parents of children with learning differences due in large part to the invisible nature of these challenges.  Parents observe their children do many things well; therefore, it is difficult to understand how completing basic tasks like homework, transitioning off the computer or brushing teeth can be so difficult.  Misinterpretation of learning challenges also limits the capacity of adults to foster skill development in their children.

Historically, interventions for children and adolescents with diagnosed learning differences have been “child-centered,” meaning that the focus of various treatments is to remediate areas of deficit within the child, so he or she is better equipped to meet the demands of the home and school environments.  Such interventions may include educational therapy, speech and language therapy, psychotherapy, occupational therapy, social skills groups and/or medication consultations.  While all of these therapies have their appropriate place in assisting young people, we know that focusing on a child’s deficits has less impact on his or her long-range development than does cultivating his or her strengths.  Some students meet with as many as three to four different professionals a week to remediate learning problems, in addition to attending to required homework and other obligations.  Schedules like these leave virtually no time to participate in activities that interest the child.

Parents, professional and other important adults in the lives of children would greatly benefit from a new perspective on how to best meet their needs.  We all have a responsibility to understand the biology of learning disorders and its impact on behavior, social skill development and academic performance.  With a deeper understanding of learning differences, adults will be able to shift their perspective and move from a “deficit model” to a “strength based model.”  From this position adults can be encouraged to identify the strengths and affinities of each child and provide opportunities for the development and bolstering of those skills, which will enhance the child’s self-esteem.  This shift in adult perspective requires careful consideration of the environmental demands placed on children and the emotional tone with which those expectations are imposed and enforced.  Children cannot improve if the demands of the environment do not change.  Intensive reading instructions can be provided to a child with dyslexia; however, if the reading demands of the classroom are not adjusted, the child’s progress will be impeded.  The anxiety and frustration experienced by the child in response to demands that exceed his or her capabilities will interfere with the ability to make use of good instruction.  If a child who demonstrates difficulty with controlling negative emotions lives in a home where the parents have the same struggles, this child’s self control will not improve unless the parents themselves model appropriate expression of emotion.

Therefore, as we begin to shift our perspective about our children, we must also be willing to strengthen and develop some of the very skills we are asking them to learn.  For example, adults must be able to regulate their emotions and behavior in response to the challenges of their children.  Maintaining composure when confronted with resistance, inconsistent academic performance and/or emotional meltdowns is very difficult for parents.  Parents are vulnerable to self-doubt and feelings of anxiety, which impede their ability to respond effectively to difficult situations.  Fear of being manipulated or “enabling” children, or being weak disciplinarians, are frequently expressed adult concerns.

Parents cope with a wide range of difficult feelings in connection to their challenging child.  Will my son or daughter be accepted to a good middle school, high school or college?  Will he be able to create a life for himself?  Will she ever be able to make friends?  Will he ever learn to work out conflicts with his peers?  Other difficult feelings might be related to the parent’s developmental and relationship histories.  What was the quality of a parent’s relationship with his or her parents or other significant adults?  A parent must ask: How would my mother or father deal with my child?  What were my hopes and dreams in having children?  Have those dreams been dashed?  Becoming more comfortable with feelings of confusion, disappointment, shame, anger and despair is critical to effective parenting.  When adults understand their own feelings without judging themselves negatively, their capacity to maintain composure and implement effective parenting strategies increases.  The quality of the parent/child relationship also improves.

With this also comes a greater capacity for parents to understand the experience of their child.  As adults we frequently focus on observable behavior and intervene on that level without taking the time to understand the emotional experience driving that behavior.  The willingness to take the time to understand how children experience day-to-day events places a parent in a better position to offer support in a way that promotes healthy development.

The purpose of our parenting workshops is to provide parents with an alternative view of their children that will improve the parent/child relationship.  By considering factors that contribute to the challenges of children with learning differences, including developmental history, biology, related skill weaknesses, family dynamics and school dynamics, adults will be in a stronger position to produce positive change.

Naturally, parents seek professional help in the hope of gaining strategies to use in managing the various challenges their children present.  Strategies are critical for setting appropriate limits in response to emotional outbursts, noncompliant behavior, inconsistent academic functioning and underdeveloped social skills.  However, if the focus of treatment is on strategies alone, it will meet with limited success.  Strategies are used in the context of the parent/child relationship.  When the parent/child relationship is strained, parents are in a more influential position over their child.  A positively connected child is more compliant and desires to please.  Furthermore, when parents have more empathy for their children they also become more creative in developing strategies that best fit their particular situation.